A Word by Lady Michaela at the bottom of the page about grief counseling do's & don'ts

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I Know You Are Hurting

“It’s a girl, Mr. Ziglar!” the nurse announced on May 10, 1949. After 30 hours of labor, Jean Suzanne Ziglar arrived. We called her “Suzan.” My joy knew no bounds.

“There’s nothing else we can do,” the doctor told us on May 12, 1995. The next day, May 13, a nurse said, “She’s gone.” My sorrow knew no limits.

Suzan was confident in her dying because she knew Jesus Christ as her Savior. She—and we—had the assurance that to “be away from the body” is to be “at home with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:8). But as I write these words, I weep again…not tears of despair, but tears of hurt.

The Pain that Lingers

You may be grieving the loss of a loved one. Or you may be feeling the pain of divorce, a job loss, a house fire, or the loss of your health or that of someone close to you. Whatever it is may always return in your memory from time to time. But your grief and pain will become more bearable as you understand the love and care that God has for you. His mercy and grace are even stronger in your time of need: “Blessed be the… Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). God understands as no one else can.

I can’t tell you that God will answer all your why questions. He may, but he may not. His purposes ultimately are beyond our knowing. His timing is always unfolding for the righteous according to divine precision: “All things work together for good for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). And even if he reveals a great deal to us, we will never know as fully as he knows.

To continue to dwell on “Why?” and “If only” leads to bitterness and misery, which are burdens a loving God never intended for his children. I’m more content, for example, knowing that Suzan has all of her why questions answered by her Lord, whether I ever do or not!

I also know that God understands your grief. Isaiah 53:3 talks about the pain that Christ endured during his life on earth: “He was despised and rejected… a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” Jesus understands whatever agony you’re going through. He knows how to get you through your most painful experiences—regardless of their length or intensity. How long will that be? It’s different for each of us. But I trust that you will find comfort in knowing that God completely understands your makeup (Psalm 139).

The God Who Heals Our Hurt

As you are hurting, may I suggest some things that have helped me in hard times? First of all, I urge you to find strength in applying God’s Word to yourself. Here’s what I mean. One morning after Suzan’s death, I was reading in Psalm 46. Verse 1 was enormously encouraging to me when I applied it this way: “God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in my time of trouble.” I’ve since found it a powerful comfort to read such psalms aloud like this.

Look expectantly in Scripture for God to provide you with fresh insights, joy, and help: “My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!” (Psalm 119:28). He wants to heal your hurts while he strengthens your faith.

It makes perfect sense that God wants you to express your dependence upon him daily in prayer. Tell him how you’re feeling. Grief is the price you pay for caring; God’s grace is the solution to any burden you carry. Your recovery to a great extent lies in your daily communication with him. I like the way the psalmist puts it: “I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live” (Psalm 116:1-2).

Ask God to put someone in your life to create a necessity for shifting gears from grief to gratitude. Look for opportunities to share the hurt of another person so that you “may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1:4). That person needs your reassurance that God can get him through too. And in that process God will continue to heal your hurt.

In our pain we hope for the outcome that we think would be best. God understands that, but his plan is often entirely different. We did not know what lay ahead for Suzan, but God did. Our loving Heavenly Father will always act in the long-range best interests of his children. Please understand that God’s motive toward us—not only in every moment of our lives but also in death—is love.

God knows better than anyone when we are hurting, and how much we are hurting. He understands the agony of loss and personal pain better than any of us can imagine—he willingly sacrificed his own Son Jesus for us—for our present and eternal well-being (Romans 8:32). “Christ also suffered… for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh” (1 Peter 3:18).

You can have the assurance of God’s comforting love by placing your trust entirely upon the risen Christ for forgiveness of your sins and the gift of eternal life. Then you can confidently say “…that neither death nor life…nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39). And you can claim God’s promise: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

Let God’s promise and presence sustain you when you are hurting.