I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did.
I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did.
I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did.
I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but ~ I did.
I never thought I would let myself love my new child, but ~ I did.
I never thought tomorrow would be different, but ~ it was.
I never thought I would stop crying for you, but ~ I have.
I never thought that I would ever sing again, but ~ I have.
I never thought the pain would "soften," but ~ it has.
I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but ~ I do.
I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but ~ I have.
I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but ~ I can.
I never thought I'd smile again, but ~ I do.
I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but ~ I do.
I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but ~ I do.
I never thought I'd reconcile your death, but ~ I have.
I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but ~ I have.
I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but ~ I do.
Always missing you,
always loving you,
and thinking of you daily,
with a smile on my face ~
and tears in my heart.

- Miri

T h e    L a s t    P e w

Walking through those doors
People point and stare
Why'd I even come here?
Is this a church or Satan's lair?
On the last pew I sit alone
Thinking I'd rather be at home
I came just the way I was
And people looked down on me
If this is what God is about
I don't need Christianity

I was alone on the last pew
Lip syncing praises to You
Afraid if I opened my mouth
They'd tell me to get out

Preacher gave me the evil eye
Made me out to be a bad guy
I felt unwelcome
I was labeled a freak
After that day I knew
I wouldn't be back next week
I prayed to God,
"Help me find something better."
The only love I felt
I found in the red letters

We must not judge others
That's for God and God alone
Lots of churches judge by looks
So most people stay at home
Think about if it was you
All alone on that last pew
The Lord looks at a man's heart
Not the clothes that he's wearing
So instead of showing hatred
We need to love and start caring

It's churches like that
That draw people from Christ
They go there for help
And see hate in your eyes
They leave that day
Feeling worse than before
And that may be the last time they step through church doors

Shane Jensen

MAN OF THE TOMBS
Bob Bennett
© 1989 Matters Of The Heart Music (ASCAP)
 
Man of the tombs
He lives in a place where no one goes
And he tears at himself
And lives with a pain that no one knows
He counts himself dead among the living
He knows no mercy and no forgiving
Deep in the night he's driven to cry out loud
Can you hear him cry out loud?
 
Man of the tombs
Possessed by an unseen enemy
He breaks every chain
And mistakes his freedom for being free
Shame and shamelessness equally there
Like a random toss of a coin in the air
Man of the tombs, he's driven to cry out loud
 
   Underneath this thing that I've become
   A fading memory of flesh and blood
   I curse the womb, I bless the grave
   I've lost my heart, I cannot be saved
   Like those who fear me, I'm afraid
   Like those I've hurt, I can feel pain
   Naked now before my sin
   And these stones that cut against my skin
   Some try to touch me, but no one can
   For man of the tombs I am
 
Down at the shoreline
Two sets of footprints meet
One voice is screaming
Other voice begins to speak
In only a moment and only a word
The evil departs like a thundering herd
Man of the tombs, he hears this cry out loud
 
   Underneath this thing that you've become
   I see a man of flesh and blood
   I give you life beyond the grave
   I heal your heart, I come to save
   No need to fear, be not afraid
   This Man of sorrows knows your pain
   I come to take away your sin
   And bear it's marks upon My skin
   When no one can touch you, still I can
   For Son of God I am
 
Dressed now and seated
Clean in spirit and healthy of mind
Man of the tombs
He begs to follow, but must stay behind
He'll return to has family with stories to tell
Of mercy and madness, of heaven and hell
Man of the tombs, soon he will cry out loud
 
   Underneath this thing that I once was
   Now I'm a man of flesh and blood
   I have a life beyond the grave
   I found my heart, I can now be saved
   No need to fear, I am not afraid
   This Man of sorrows took my pain
   He comes to take away our sin
   And bear it's marks upon His skin
   I'm telling you this story because
   Man of the tombs I was. 

"My Heart Beats for Him Too"

by Caroline Williams

Just cos I look different to you
Doesn't mean I am different to you.
Just cos I dress different to you
Doesn't mean I'm not dressed in Jesus, like you.
Just cos i hide myself from you
Doesn's mean I don't hurt, like you.
Just cos my outwards is dark
Doesn't mean my heart is black or empty.
My heart beats for Him too,
Faster than you may know.
Just cos my arms are cut and bleed
Doesn't mean I am cut off from Him.
Maybe it's you that needs reattaching.
And cos my outlook isn't as your own
Doesn't make me further or nearer.
Don't box me or limit me.
I'm not what you think.
You look at my outside and turn away.
Look deep inside, now what do you see?
A burning flame that never dies,
A bleeding heart that often cries
For those who hurt and those not yet born into light.
A passion to lift the name of Jesus up high.
And look into your own heart,
With words stating fire and passion,
What is it I see now?
Now i see deep down?
Not airs nor graces or that which is portrayed,
Just ashes flying in a cold wind you like to call salvation,
Ashes, soggy from the tears of my heart for you.
 
Caroline Williams 25/9/02

Turned Away

I can't believe I was turned away from church today.
I know what a strange thing to say!

I had gotten up extra early to do my make up just right, and to iron my best black dress, get my best black arm warmers, and to dust off my combat boots.
I figured since I was going to God's house, I should look my best.
As I lined my eyes to color of ebony, and brushed my hair the color of ravens, I was ready to leave for church.

I was turned away before I even got in the door.
The church elders dressed in their purest whites pushed me aside.
"This is God's house, not a devil's den" They said as they turned me away from the worship inside.

I can't believe I was turned away from church today.
God is going to have a lot to say.
I don't wish to be with them on Judgment Day.

"If I Never Change"

By Phil Kayalo

I'm tired of the domino effect that has lingered-
I'm tired of the criticism & of the pointed finger;
Jesus said, "The prostitute & the low life will enter-
the kingdom of heaven quicker than the 'accepted'
normal sinner";
& Yet isn't it funny how that which covers God's
throne-
Is more "surreal" than I am, yet you DARE to pick a
bone?!?!?;
I don't have 4 heads, or 6 wings with eyes all over-
Yet you stop look & stare, & 'whisper' behind your
shoulder;
& What about things in the WORD never mentioned-
More "strange", "weird" or "freaky" than the CHERABIM
or SERAPHIM?;
Your problem's not with me, but it lies within you-
I'm taken to your courts, & my freedoms you sue;
Creativity is sacred, 'tis my gift in "The Bod"-
& I'll answer to none, not a one...but my God!;
..'If I Never Change', just how will I be treated?-
Will you take my liberty & attempt to defeat it?;

I have tried to "conform", but it is not within me-
Rejected, those talented, gifted & artsy;
We're shunned from your jobs, EVEN WITH suit & tie-
If hired? we still read 'JUDGEMENT' from both of your
eyes;
But we're not in control, or positions of power-
So don't blame us if your own "system" has grown sour;
We're not in the Senate, nor ELECTED to the House-
& Yet if by chance we were, you'd quickly oudst!!;
We make not the laws, nor sit we in the seats-
But "disdain" from our 'look', bottled up STILL
secretes;
Yet AMAZING to me, is what I find in the Bible-
The spokesmen of God went by "prophets", their title;
Covered in sheepskins & goatskins, yet they spoke-
God's oracles... To rebellious Israel,they were
jokes!;
Elijah & John were 'wildmen', yet these two-
Had ministries wonderful..., They were POWERFULLY
used;
Wildmen with 'wild' looks, & yet why did God mention-
Their "detailed" appearance, if it was not
important??;
If God can use them, can He thus not use me???-
with make-up, black clothes & my body jewelry???;
..'If I Never Change', will you still call me
brother?-
Or turn me away, as did Father & Mother???..;

When murder occurs, that person goes to jail-
yet your words "hit their target" bullseye, without
fail!;
Are we not ALL travelling towards 1 goal specific?-
Don't be confused, I'm no 'human' hieroglyphic;
For Christ dwells in me, & in my heart I've
determined-
To only know Him in you, so don't treat me like
vermin;
We all have our walls, & we all have our strengths-
In different degrees, & with varying lengths;
& Yet when I speak to you, I know it must seem MUCH
easier-
To shake an outstretched hand, than to hug ME, the
greeter;
I got not the gift of "The Blessing" from my Father-
I got drunk with strict discipline, yes 'twas my
lager;
I've been told by some, that the past ain't my future-
I leave it behind only to meet BRAND NEW ABUSERS!!;
I'm tried in the world, & under trial in "The Body"-
Convicted & condemned, like the Mob Boss John Gotti;
..'If I Never Change', will you treat me an equal?-
Or turn away, making me play 1 more sequel?;

If our faith were an arrow, then we'd be at the point-
OUR GENERATION, God will strongly annoint;
& We'll all be amazed & SHOCKED at what He does-
& I'm not talking tongues, or deliverance from drugs;
I mean GREAT manifestations of His power-
To 'pierce thru the darkness', it Must happen THIS
hour!;
What if playing music, or singing onstage-
God's voice joins the chorus? You ALL will stand
DAZED!;
What if up the scale, a keyboardist ascends-
& We look up to see the "dead" live once again?;
I know God will do it, for He promised so!!-
These signs WILL take place here, & across the globe;
& Mark my words, God WILL use Hip Hop & Funk-
Industrial, Metal, Alternative & Punk;
Us Goths from the UNDERGROUND, just to name a few-
& No one will dictate to HIM just how they'll be used;
I'm proud to be 1 sheep who looks like a wolf-
I'll reach those YOU can't, & in neighborhoods tough!;
So don't be surprised if God's greatest glory seen-
comes from us 'FREAKS','WEIRDO's' & all in between!!!;
For we understand rejection, & we understand LOVE-
But we're God's children too, with our names written
down above;
&...'If We Never Change', will you embrace us
freely??-
If so,.. we'll ALL see His glory displayed.....REALLY.

copyright'97 &'98. By Phil Kayalo. All rightsreserved.
(It's my heart, & my own personal
experiences. Not only as a goth, but as an African American Goth!)

Bubble
 
You can see out, but no one can get in.
No one on the outside cares to look at the inside –
So no one comments.
You think you’re safe from the world inside your bubble.
Safe from reality.
 
And for a while you are.
People only look at the slick, shiny iridescence of the outside, not seeing the hypocrisy and conceit on the clear inside.
But one day your bubble will burst
Into nothing but some annoying splatter
that people wipe away and then wash off their hands
and forget about.
It can’t last.
 
Come out of the bubble
And be where things can last longer than a moment.
Though but a moment to God,
The things done outside the bubble affect
The time when time is not.
 
All have bubbles.
Some big. Some small.
Some pop right away.
Some float to the sky and we never see them pop.
But they do, and floating to the sky is no way to reach God.
 
~~ Danisa

I was reading this poem by William Blake and it reminded me of you. The
poem, in my interpretation, seems to deal with issues of appearence and how
even though one looks dark, doesn't mean that one is.   from, Stefan

The Little Black Boy

My mother bore me in the southern wild,
And I am black, but O! my soul is white;
White as an angel is the English child
But I am black as if bereav'd by light.

My mother taught me underneath a tree,
And sitting down before the heat of day,
She took me on her lap and kissed me,
And pointing to the east began to say.

Look on the rising sun: there God does live
And gives His light, and gives His heat away.
And flowers and trees and beasts and men recieve
Comfort in morning joy in the noon day.

And we are put on earth a little space,
That we may learn to bear the beams of love,
And these black bodies and this sun-burnt face
Is but a cloud, and like a shady grove.

For when our souls have learn'd the heat to bear
The cloud will vanish we shall hear His voice.
Saying: come out from the grove my love & care,
And round my golden tent like lambs rejoice.

Thus did my mother say and kisses me,
And thus I say to little English boy.
Then I from black and he from white cloud free,
And round the tent of God like lambs we joy:

Ill shade him from the heat till he can bear,
To lean in joy upon our Father's knee.
And then I'll stand and stroke his silver hair,
And be like him and he will then love me.

He is Her angel

He is the one who heals broken hearts;
He is her angel when the yelling starts.
As she cry's he hold's her tight;
He will protect her when they start to fight.
Seeing through her eyes he saw the knife;
He knew she was going to end her life.
He opened his arms and held her tight;
that's when she began to see the light.
She spoke to him asking if he was God;
He looked at her and said yes with a nod.
He healed her broken heart;
and informed her that they shall never part.

-Heather Finch

y step through church doors

this is a song by the group superchich,
"beauty from ashes"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise there will be a dawn

This tale is told from the perspective of a (non-Christian) Goth, being "witnessed" to by (non-Goth) Christians.


WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO US?


We are the people of darkness and fog,
you won't see us in Dockers, or out for a jog.

We don't live in your suburbs, or hang out in your bars,
We don't listen to Kenny G, or drive flashy cars.

We aren't drinking a six-pack while watching pro sports,
or riding a lawn tractor in bright-colored shorts.

When we were young, your friends were all cool;
We were the other kids, in the shadows at school.

Some of you taunted us, (some of you feared),
you said we were uncool, ugly, and wierd.

Did you befriend us? Ha! Not even a chance;
We're not the ones who got asked to the dance.

Now that we're older, and you've settled down,
we still see you sometimes, when you come downtown.

So you've found religion, now isn't that swell?
Now you're all jazzed up on Heaven and Hell.

You're on a new mission, the GothFolk to save,
to snatch us from darkness, on the way to the grave.

What would you say to us, child of the light?
Will you come to where we are, late in the night?

When you find our hangout, will you just stand and stare?
Can you see past black leather and spiked purple hair?

Your Pastor has told you certain phrases work well,
like "If you die tomorrow, are you going to Hell?"

If you say that we're evil, and all full of sin,
will that bring us to your Church steps, eager to get in?

If we do show up Sunday, what happens then?
Will we be warmly welcomed by tie-wearing men?

Will we hear in a sermon, "Thou shalt not smoke or drink!"?
(Will it sound like he really means "Thou shalt not think"?)

Will we hear of the evils of dancing and swearing,
and all that is wrong with the clothes we are wearing?

Will we hear how God's wrath burns against every sinner?
(Will us heathens be welcome at the big potluck dinner?)

If we don't measure up, we can count on a snub,
no, we don't think we're joining your Church/social club.

We wouldn't hear anything likely to please us,
(But we are sort of curious to hear more words of Jesus).

It seems we will stick with our lifestyle of sin,
where at least we're accepted, at least we fit in.

It's a shame that your Church was a drag and a bore,
since we really are hurting, with problems galore.

My best friend is lonely, and can't find a wife,
and last Sunday my girlfriend took her own life.

Others, I know, are not happy, just gay;
Can anyone point out The Truth and The Way?

We have faiths and philosophies by every name,
After a while, they all sound the same.

"Do whatever feels good, and don't worry about it!"
Since I don't feel too good, I'm begining to doubt it.

So we gather together on Saturday nights,
to play our kind of music, away from bright lights.

We hook up and break up, and hook up again,
some men with women, and some men with men.

We drink, and we dance, and we light up our cloves,
while God-fearing Church folk avoid us in droves.

If Jesus were living in this very year,
would He buck the system and visit us here?

Would He come down and join us, knowing what rules to bend,
would He come and sit with us, could we call Him our friend?

When He listened to us, would he look in our eyes?
Would He tell us His stories, so deep and so wise?

Well, He isn't here now, so who knows what He'd do?
Is there anyone like Him? Could it ever be you?

Joab
"The Teacher"
2002
- posted by afterfostercare @ 6/5/2003 12:48:08 PM

S c r e w   W i t h   M y    H e a d

It makes me feel sad

That you don't care to think

I may have feelings too

But their falling out of sync

I also have a heart

Where my faith is stored

You say you know the feeling

But I know that can't be true

You say that I'm a pagan

 And I'm making a breakthrough

I wasted all my time

But you barely know

You think you beat me out

But the battle's almost won

I wanted to feel bad

But I'm only halfway done

I know that was your plan

I'm tired of the lies

You think that's why I dress and act like this

It's leading to your demise

I'm screwing with your head

That's what you like to think

I finally made friends at church

And it was really tough

But to have you on top of it

I finally had enough

When you see me on the streets I don't care if you laugh

I know everything about you

But about me

Not even half

So next time you see me

Please get out of the way

And I'll forget about you

Day after day after day.

E m m a   A n d e r s o n

candle
 
i hold a candle as i walk through the darkness, i here screams all around, of people who are in pain, people who are suffering, why don't i help them?
as i walk through the darkness with my candle, i see others with a light. they gather around each other and ignore the screams. won't they help the ones less blessed then them? i've had enough. i turn to the nearest scream. i said "come and walk with me and my light." a women took my hand and my light grew brighter.
as we walked through the darkness, the screams had gone faint, and a light broke through the darkness. we where going home.

Raven sorrow

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